It seems like people with ADHD either seek conflict, or try to avoid it at all costs (perhaps as a result of some painful conflicts in the past). I suppose the same can be said for the general population – most people just aren’t adept at confrontation. But I do believe this is a topic most of us ADHDers can relate to particularly well.
Have you ever heard the phrase “care enough to confront”? When I first heard it, I thought it was an oxy moron. Why would I want to confront someone I care about? Wouldn’t it be better to keep the peace and spare her any discomfort my disagreement might bring? This line of thinking reflects a false belief that confrontation has to be ugly. I have since learned that confrontation is healthy if you do it right.
Confrontation isn’t yelling. It isn’t fighting. It’s simply acknowledging that your viewpoint is different than the other person’s, and seeking resolution.
Here are a few specific reasons that confrontation is synonymous with caring:
* Getting things out in the open clears the air, removing the tension and bad feelings that can build up between people. These bad feelings end up coming out sideways, in the form of snide comments and sarcasm, if we don’t deal with them constructively.
* We tend to ruminate over things that are upsetting to us. Confronting the source of the upset will stop the ruminations, allowing us to focus. Or sleep.
* Sometimes you have to ask for what you need or you won’t get it. It’s not healthy for you or the person you care about (or have to work with) if your needs continue to go unmet. They don’t want you to be cranky any more than you do.
* It’s an act of trust. By confronting someone about something that’s not copasetic, you’re indicating that you’re willing to take a bit of temporary discomfort for the sake of the relationship.
Here are some healthy ways to initiate a confrontation:
* Ask permission. Make sure it’s a good time for the other person to talk. If it’s not a good time, ask when would be better.
* State your problem in a calm, non-threatening manner. For example, “I am concerned about the loose ends in this contract”, instead of “What the heck where you thinking when you wrote this piece of crap?!”. Plan your opening lines in advance.
* Ask the other person’s viewpoint. For example, “Does this seem unclear to you?”
Here are some success strategies to use while you’re in the midst of a confrontation:
* Be very aware of your tone at all times. Focus on it as much as your actual words. Confrontations can escalate into arguments the second one person raises his voice or speeds up his pace, even if he doesn’t realize it.
* Use “I” messages. For example, “I am concerned about…” rather than “You should…”.
* Give the other person a chance to speak. Monopolizing the conversation might make you feel better temporarily, but it won’t accomplish your ultimate goal of resolving the issue.
* Brainstorm together. Be prepared with at least one possible solution to the problem, and also solicit ideas from the other person.
What’s your confrontation style? Do you tend to fight or take flight? Regardless of whether you’re drawn to confrontation or shy away from it, these strategies should go a long way towards improving your personal and business relationships.
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