Sunday, May 27, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
HSP: The Challenge of Friendships
HSPs and the struggle with friendships
In the roughly fifteen years since I first learned about the HSP trait, I have met 100s (if not 1000s) of fellow sensitives both in person and through the Internet. One of the most common laments I hear goes something like this: "Why is it so hard for me to make and keep friends, when it seems so easy for everyone else?"
I can completely relate to these sentiments, as I have also struggled with relationship/friendship dynamics during most of my own life. Until at least my late 30s, my friendship patterns were largely shaped by the meta messages from society that I "should" be able to make friends with almost anyone, and then keep those friendships for a lifetime. You could say that I was more concerned about the "container" for my friendships, that the "content" of them. In the course of some serious self-inquiry, it became quite a puzzle for me to understand why so many friendships I formed started well enough, but would fade away very quickly.
Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that everyone doesn't stuggle with friendships and relationships, now and then. However, there definitely are certain distinct challenges for HSPs, and the whole issue of friends seems more difficult for the HSP, than for most people.
On the most general sense, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" and experience the same situations differently... and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions. When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to start building a friendship.
"Mismatched expectations"
One of the things I have learned about HSPs (both from reading, and from interaction) is that they tend to be rather "deep" people. Most I have met in person loathe "small talk" and "polite chit-chat" and would much rather go directly to a profound conversation about the meaning of life, or the origins of God. However, except for the very self-absorbed, they do also recognize the need for this "idle chatter," as a tool to create connection-- and are generally willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.
Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends-- it's the keeping them that's the issue. This is where the "mismatched expectations" issue (almost always centered around "depth") comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.
After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they start to realize that their new-found friend is really not interested in discussing anything that extends much beyond little league baseball, Paris Hilton's latest exploits, cookie recipes and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be "more" there... as one friend said to me "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both offputting and intimidating to someone who prefers "lighter fare."
It works in reverse, too. I believe a lot of non-HS people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the less "demanding" way of interacting they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."
Setting Healthy Boundaries
There are other factors that sometimes contribute to an HSP's difficulties in keeping friendships, in the longer run. Not least of these is the tendency of many HSPs to have what I think of as "soft" boundaries.
Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" The problem with ever-patient listening is that sometimes it is simply not good for us to keep ourselves eternally engaged in someone else's problems and dramas. Where our "soft" boundaries manifest is when we realize that we really should leave the situation, yet we fail to detach ourselves.
In the roughly fifteen years since I first learned about the HSP trait, I have met 100s (if not 1000s) of fellow sensitives both in person and through the Internet. One of the most common laments I hear goes something like this: "Why is it so hard for me to make and keep friends, when it seems so easy for everyone else?"
I can completely relate to these sentiments, as I have also struggled with relationship/friendship dynamics during most of my own life. Until at least my late 30s, my friendship patterns were largely shaped by the meta messages from society that I "should" be able to make friends with almost anyone, and then keep those friendships for a lifetime. You could say that I was more concerned about the "container" for my friendships, that the "content" of them. In the course of some serious self-inquiry, it became quite a puzzle for me to understand why so many friendships I formed started well enough, but would fade away very quickly.
Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that everyone doesn't stuggle with friendships and relationships, now and then. However, there definitely are certain distinct challenges for HSPs, and the whole issue of friends seems more difficult for the HSP, than for most people.
On the most general sense, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" and experience the same situations differently... and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions. When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to start building a friendship.
"Mismatched expectations"
One of the things I have learned about HSPs (both from reading, and from interaction) is that they tend to be rather "deep" people. Most I have met in person loathe "small talk" and "polite chit-chat" and would much rather go directly to a profound conversation about the meaning of life, or the origins of God. However, except for the very self-absorbed, they do also recognize the need for this "idle chatter," as a tool to create connection-- and are generally willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.
Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends-- it's the keeping them that's the issue. This is where the "mismatched expectations" issue (almost always centered around "depth") comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.
After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they start to realize that their new-found friend is really not interested in discussing anything that extends much beyond little league baseball, Paris Hilton's latest exploits, cookie recipes and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be "more" there... as one friend said to me "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both offputting and intimidating to someone who prefers "lighter fare."
It works in reverse, too. I believe a lot of non-HS people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the less "demanding" way of interacting they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."
Setting Healthy Boundaries
There are other factors that sometimes contribute to an HSP's difficulties in keeping friendships, in the longer run. Not least of these is the tendency of many HSPs to have what I think of as "soft" boundaries.
Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" The problem with ever-patient listening is that sometimes it is simply not good for us to keep ourselves eternally engaged in someone else's problems and dramas. Where our "soft" boundaries manifest is when we realize that we really should leave the situation, yet we fail to detach ourselves.
The combination of soft boundaries with empathic listening often combines to create a dynamic in which the HSP gradually becomes someone's "therapist" rather than simply their friend. I'll be the first to admit that I am naturally predisposed to helping those with "broken wings," so I am sure that has influenced my choices-- and I know I am not alone. And yes, I realize that part of "friendship" is about sharing "troubles," but it soon ends up feeling like "one-way traffic," and I find myself pondering "does everyone have this much chaos and drama in their life?" And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like "take your crap and drama to someone else" (which I understand many non-HS people do quite readily) also plays into the picture.
Introverts and Friendships
Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. Whereas introversion should not be interpreted as "antisocial," many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are "inadequate," because they compare their circles of friends to extraverts they know, and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society, and start interpreting their natural inclinations to prefer time spent alone as "wrong," which is a big mistake.
Faking who you are in order to make friends with someone will only add to the number of "failed" friendships, in the long run. After all, if you pretend to "like lots of people" and "do lots of stuff" when it's really not what you want, how long will it be before your inner frustration at "not being yourself" will show through your false facade?
Whereas I may get taken to task by some members of the HSP community for saying this, truth is that quite a few HSPs are "high maintenance," often imposing lots of "special needs" and considerations on people around them. There's nothing wrong with asserting one's needs, but a lot of people simply don't have the patience and determination to maintain a friendship with someone who "doesn't want to" participate in a wide range of activities, and insists they "can't" participate unless a laundry list of conditions are met.
Statistics... and the Right to Choose
So is there any hope? Are HSPs doomed to always struggle with friendships and social interaction?
Not necessarily. However, it is important for HSPs to revisit and restate their assumptions about "being friends" with people, and what friendship means to them-- away from "public expectations."
Friendships primarily form across some kind of common ground. It is common sense that if your "ground" (because you're an HSP) is a little bit different, there will simply be fewer people who share that ground in common with you. From what I have observed, many HSPs' distress over friendships can be tracked back to unhealthy comparisons with the so-called "standards" of western society. We're shown messages-- through Madison Avenue, Hollywood, and even our local communities-- that we "should" have lots of life-long friends. The medical community even says that people with many friends can live healthier and longer lives.
The keyword in reading that last sentence is "can." The rules do not apply to everyone.
Statistically speaking, there are simply fewer candidates who are "good friends material" for HSPs. Maybe that sounds defeatist or elitist, but the simple truth is that we all have the right to choose our friends. We also have the right to choose rewarding friendships that fit our individual needs for closeness and depth.
Is it "unfair" that HSPs-- who typically aren't the most socially outgoing people, to begin with-- have to "work harder" to make friends? Maybe it is, but we owe it to ourselves to choose wisely, even if that means we don't get to choose very often.
Dr. Elaine Aron-- who originally identified sensitivity as a "trait," rather than a "pathology"-- is a big proponent of HSPs befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.
Speaking from personal experience, I happen to like the company of HSPs... and I highly recommend finding and making some HSP friends. Maybe that sounds hard... but it needn't be. Most of my HSP friends started as friends in cyberspace that eventually turned into "real life" friends. Remember, you always have the right to make friends at a pace that "feels right" to you, and the relative slowness of the Internet often works well for HSPs.
When you do choose non-HSP people to befriend, be aware that maybe the relationship will have its limitations-- and don't make the mistake of imposing your needs on someone who really doesn't understand where you're coming from. Take the friendship at face value, and allow it to "be what it is:" Maybe you can only "connect" with Susan in the context of gardening, so allow that to be, rather than dropping Susan because you can't talk deeper metaphysics with her.
Bottom line: As an HSP, the first step towards better friendships is to let go of societal and family expectations about friendships. Stop worrying about how many friends you "should" have, and take some time to figure out what "being friends" with someone means to you. And it's really OK to be "particular."
(denmarkguy.hubpages.com)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
5 Gifts of Being Highly Sensitive and 5 Curses: An Interview with Douglas Eby
posted by Beyond Blue
Today I have the pleasure of interviewing Douglas Eby, M.A./Psychology, who is a writer and researcher on the psychology of creative expression, high ability and personal growth. He is creator of the Talent
Development Resources series of sites (including HighlySensitive.org) at http://talentdevelop.com. I know many of you are “highly sensitive” and enjoy articles on that topic, so I am excited to pique his highly-sensitive brain today!
Question: If you had to name the top five gifts of being highly sensitive, what would they be?
Douglas:
Douglas:
1. Sensory detail
One of the prominent “virtues” of high sensitivity is the richness of sensory detail that life provides. The subtle shades of texture in clothing, and foods when cooking, the sounds of music or even traffic or people talking, fragrances and colors of nature. All of these may be more intense for highly sensitive people.
Of course, people are not simply “sensitive” or “not sensitive” – like other qualities and traits, it’s a matter of degree.
Years ago, I took a color discrimination test to work as a photographic technician, making color prints. The manager said I’d scored better, with more subtle distinctions between hues in the test charts, than anyone he had evaluated.
That kind of response to color makes visual experience rich and exciting, and can help visual artists and designers be even more excellent.
2. Nuances in meaning
The trait of high sensitivity also includes a strong tendency to be aware of nuances in meaning, and to be more cautious about taking action, and to more carefully consider options and possible outcomes.
3. Emotional awareness
We also tend to be more aware of our inner emotional states, which can make for richer and more profound creative work as writers, musicians, actors or other artists.
A greater response to pain, discomfort, and physical experience can mean sensitive people have the potential, at least, to take better care of their health.
4. Creativity
Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates about twenty percent of people are highly sensitive, and seventy percent of those are introverted, which is a trait that can also encourage creativity.
As examples, there are many actors who say they are shy, and director Kathryn Bigelow, who recently won an Academy Award, has said, “I’m kind of very shy by nature.” The star of her movie The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (who was reportedly shy as a child) has commented that “in social situations she can be painfully shy.”
5. Greater empathy
High sensitivity to other people’s emotions can be a powerful asset for teachers, managers, therapists and others.
Question: And, if you had to name five curses, what would they be? And how best do we overcome them or co-exist with them?
Douglas:
1. Easily overwhelmed, overstimulated
Douglas:
1. Easily overwhelmed, overstimulated
The biggest challenge in high sensitivity is probably being vulnerable to sensory or emotional overwhelm. Taking in and processing so much information from both inner and outer worlds can be “too much” at times and result in more pain, fatigue, stress, anxiety and other reactions.
An intriguing neuroscience research study I came across that may explain some of this said people with nervous systems having decreased latent inhibition are more open to incoming stimuli. Which can be a good thing, or not so good.
Actor Amy Brenneman once commented, “I’m too sensitive to watch most of the reality shows. It’s so painful for me.”
That kind of pain or discomfort can mean we don’t choose to experience some things that might actually be fun or enriching. Though I don’t mean reality shows.
2. Affected by emotions of others
Another aspect of sensitivity can be reacting to the emotions – and perhaps thoughts – of others. Being in the vicinity of angry people, for example, can be more distressing.
As actor Scarlett Johansson once put it, “Sometimes that awareness is good, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive.”
3. Need lots of space and time to ourselves
We may need to “retreat” and emotionally “refresh” ourselves at times that are not always best for our goals or personal growth. For example, being at a professional development conference, it may not be the most helpful thing to leave a long presentation or workshop in order to recuperate from the emotional intensity of the crowd.
4. Unhealthy perfectionism
There can also be qualities of thinking or analyzing that lead to unhealthy perfectionism, or stressful responses to objects, people or situations that are “too much” or “wrong” for our sensitivities.
5. Living out of sync with our culture
Living in a culture that devalues sensitivity and introversion as much as the U.S. means there are many pressures to be “normal” – meaning extraverted, sociable and outgoing.
Dr. Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, points out that other cultures, such as Thailand, have different attitudes, with a strong appreciation of sensitive or introverted people.
Jenna Avery, a “life coach for sensitive souls,” counsels people to accept or even pursue being “out of sync” with mainstream society, and be aware of other’s judgments of people as too sensitive, too emotional, or too dramatic.
And if we are sensitive, we may use those kinds of judgments against ourselves, and think, as Winona Ryder said she did at one time, “Maybe I’m too sensitive for this world.”
Certainly there are extremes of emotions that are considered mood disorders, for example, and should be dealt with as a health challenge.
But “too emotional” or “too sensitive” are usually criticisms based on majority behavior and standards.
Overall, I think being highly sensitive is a trait we can embrace and use to be more creative and aware. But it demands taking care to live strategically, even outside popular values, to avoid overwhelm so we can better nurture our abilities and creative talents.
(blog.beliefnet.com)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
About Adult ADHD: Take This Self-Test
Habitually disorganized? Always running late? Struggle to manage money and relationships? Take this test to learn more about your ADHD symptoms.
To learn more about adult ADHD and your symptoms, check each of the following statements that apply to you...
1. I have difficulty getting organized.
2. When given a task, I usually procrastinate rather than doing it right away.
3. I work on a lot of projects, but can't seem to complete most of them.
4. I tend to make decisions and act on them impulsively- like spending money, getting sexually involved with someone, diving into new activities, and changing plans.
5. I get bored easily.
6. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I just can't seem to reach my goals.
7. I often get distracted when people are talking; I just tune out or drift off.
8. I get so wrapped up in some things I do that I can hardly stop to take a break or switch to doing something else.
9. I tend to overdo things even when they're not good for me -- like compulsive shopping, drinking too much, overworking, and overeating.
10. I get frustrated easily and I get impatient when things are going too slowly.
11. My self-esteem is not as high as that of others I know.
12. I need a lot of stimulation from things like action movies and video games, new purchases, being among lively friends, driving fast or engaging in extreme sports.
13. I tend to say or do things without thinking, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.
14. I'd rather do things my own way than follow the rules and procedures of others.
15. I often find myself tapping a pencil, swinging my leg, or doing something else to work off nervous energy.
16. I can feel suddenly depressed when I'm separated from people, projects or things that I like to be involved with.
17. I see myself differently than others see me, and when someone gets angry with me for doing something that upset them I'm often very surprised.
18. Even though I worry a lot about dangerous things that are unlikely to happen to me, I tend to be careless and accident prone.
19. Even though I have a lot of fears, people would describe me as a risk taker.
20. I make a lot of careless mistakes.
21. I have blood relatives who suffer from ADD, depression, bipolar disorder, or substance abuse.
If you answered yes to 15 of these questions, it is likely that you have attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). However, you can still have ADHD even if you answered yes to fewer than 15 of these questions. This informal test is intended as a general guide only.
Adults who think they may have ADD should consult with a physician or other licensed mental health practitioner. Treatments are available that can help reduce substantially these symptoms.
To learn more about adult ADHD and your symptoms, check each of the following statements that apply to you...
1. I have difficulty getting organized.
2. When given a task, I usually procrastinate rather than doing it right away.
3. I work on a lot of projects, but can't seem to complete most of them.
4. I tend to make decisions and act on them impulsively- like spending money, getting sexually involved with someone, diving into new activities, and changing plans.
5. I get bored easily.
6. No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I just can't seem to reach my goals.
7. I often get distracted when people are talking; I just tune out or drift off.
8. I get so wrapped up in some things I do that I can hardly stop to take a break or switch to doing something else.
9. I tend to overdo things even when they're not good for me -- like compulsive shopping, drinking too much, overworking, and overeating.
10. I get frustrated easily and I get impatient when things are going too slowly.
11. My self-esteem is not as high as that of others I know.
12. I need a lot of stimulation from things like action movies and video games, new purchases, being among lively friends, driving fast or engaging in extreme sports.
13. I tend to say or do things without thinking, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.
14. I'd rather do things my own way than follow the rules and procedures of others.
15. I often find myself tapping a pencil, swinging my leg, or doing something else to work off nervous energy.
16. I can feel suddenly depressed when I'm separated from people, projects or things that I like to be involved with.
17. I see myself differently than others see me, and when someone gets angry with me for doing something that upset them I'm often very surprised.
18. Even though I worry a lot about dangerous things that are unlikely to happen to me, I tend to be careless and accident prone.
19. Even though I have a lot of fears, people would describe me as a risk taker.
20. I make a lot of careless mistakes.
21. I have blood relatives who suffer from ADD, depression, bipolar disorder, or substance abuse.
If you answered yes to 15 of these questions, it is likely that you have attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD). However, you can still have ADHD even if you answered yes to fewer than 15 of these questions. This informal test is intended as a general guide only.
Adults who think they may have ADD should consult with a physician or other licensed mental health practitioner. Treatments are available that can help reduce substantially these symptoms.
(additudemag.com)
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