ADHD Hyperfixation

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Narcissistic Mothers & Their Children

Autism & People-Pleasing As A Coping Mechanism

Traumatized people and people with ADHD also mask, that's why I am sharing these excellent articles:

Simply Psychology by Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc:

Autism & People-Pleasing As A Coping Mechanism

Many autistic people know the feeling of always saying “yes” – even when every part of them wants to say “no.”

You might go out of your way to keep others happy, or mask your true feelings just to avoid conflict. As one autistic person shared online, “My masking mostly comes from people-pleasing and wanting to be liked. In my mind as a child, not being liked by others = you are a bad person.”

What Is People-Pleasing (and How Does It Relate to Autism)?

People-pleasing is a behavior pattern where someone habitually prioritizes others’ happiness and approval above their own needs. It often means always agreeing, helping, or “being nice” to others, even at personal expense.

Psychologists sometimes call this the “fawn response,” a trauma-coping mechanism where a person appeases others to avoid conflict or harm​.

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Always Saying “Yes”

You reflexively agree to requests and demands. As Dr. Devon Price describes in Unmasking Autism, a masked autistic person may adopt a default script of always saying “yes” to avoid conflict​.

This can happen even when you’re overloaded or really don’t want to do something. This constant compliance becomes second-nature.

Chronic Apologizing (something I still do)

You apologize frequently, even when something isn’t your fault. This can stem from a deep fear of upsetting others.

For example, autistic individuals who “fawn” might say sorry for things beyond their control, just to keep others calm​.

Difficulty Saying No & Weak Boundaries (I used to do that, but have learned to kindly say "No!" and am still surprised that people actually don't get upset with me when I do.)

People-pleasers struggle to set boundaries. Autistic people prone to this may find it “a major hurdle” to say no, readily agreeing to things even when they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed​.

You might ignore your own sensory limits or mental health needs just to avoid disappointing someone else.

Masking True Feelings and Needs

To appear easy-going, you might hide signs of distress, refrain from stimming when you need to, or force yourself to endure situations that cause anxiety. You present a polite, accommodating facade at all times.

Over time, you may even lose touch with what you really feel, because you’re so used to pushing your needs aside.

Being a Social Chameleon (Neurotypicals also do that, but maybe not so extensively.)

Many autistic people who people-please become social chameleons, constantly changing their behavior or even appearance to match others’ expectations.

The goal is to fly under the radar socially – or, as Dr. Lee put it, “to gain neurotypical approval, or at least fly under the neurotypical radar.”​

In practice, this might mean laughing along with jokes you don’t find funny, mirroring classmates or coworkers, or pretending to share opinions just to fit in.

Why Autistic People Are Prone to People-Pleasing

People-pleasing among autistic individuals typically stems from social conditioning, autistic traits, and trauma responses. Here are key motivations behind this behavior:

Masking to Gain Acceptance

From childhood, many autistic individuals learn that their natural behaviors are viewed as wrong or odd, leading them to mask their true selves.

Masking often involves becoming overly agreeable to avoid rejection or ridicule.

Psychologist Dr. Tasha Oswald explains that autistic girls, in particular, may mask heavily through people-pleasing to secure acceptance and safety.

Fear of Rejection & Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Autistic individuals frequently experience intense fear of rejection. Those with co-occurring ADHD might also struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a heightened sensitivity to perceived criticism.

To minimize rejection risks, they may engage excessively in people-pleasing behaviors, tolerating unfair treatment and suppressing personal opinions.

This response temporarily reduces conflict but reinforces fears about expressing their true selves.

Trauma and “Fawn” Response

A history of trauma, such as bullying or abuse, can trigger people-pleasing as a protective strategy (fawning).

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You don’t have to give a thousand excuses; a simple “I’m not able to do that” is enough. If direct communication is hard, you can use tools like texting your boundary or using “I” statements: “I really need some quiet time this weekend, so I won’t be able to join the outing, but I hope you all have fun.”

Each time you set a boundary and survive it, you’ll build confidence that you can respect yourself and still be loved.

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As the saying goes, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.

You can read the full article here.

Or:

7 Masks We Use to Hide Our Faults by ADDitude Magazine.

Why ADHD Masking Is a Form of Self-Sabotage by ADDitude Magazine.

10 Steps to Unmasking and Thriving with ADHD by ADDitude Magazine.

When you are the Black Sheep

I've experienced exactly that! Then I broke off all contact, and most of the anxiety was gone! Now all I have to do is break the learned trauma patterns ^^

How Untreated ADHD Triggers Depression and Anxiety

I can fully agree to this. My doctor told me to stop taking Concerta after an MRI showed white spots on my brain several years ago.

For several years, things went "well" because I focused on overcoming traumas that caused anxiety, but now that the anxiety has almost vanished, the ADHD symptoms show up as intense as ever, if not more intense. Since I am also getting older and the perimenopause exacerbates symptoms, it is now the time to retake Concerta, as things like Mindfulness, etc., do not work well for me. Also, there are no white spots on my brain anymore, according to a quite recent MRI.

I know I am - like many other people with ADHD, AuDHD, etc. - smarter, more capable, and therefore more worthy than what our liferealities might suggest!

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ADHD does not happen in a vacuum, and its effects are far more impairing when the condition goes undiagnosed, untreated, or improperly treated.

Untreated ADHD Causes Feelings of Inadequacy

Undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD makes children, teens, and adults who are otherwise bright and competent feel severely inadequate. It’s not difficult to see how; untreated symptoms of ADHD, from impulsivity and emotional instability to poor planning and execution skills compromise one’s ability to find success in school, work, relationships, and other parts of life. Ongoing challenges and failures, especially when the root cause is neither identified nor treated, makes these individuals feel like failures — like they aren’t trying hard enough. Self-esteem, as a result, plummets.

Other emotions — like anger, resentment, and feelings of worthlessness — often come up as a result of experiencing challenges related to undiagnosed and/or untreated ADHD. Emotional sensitivity and reactivity are not uncommon, especially strong emotional responses to failure. These emotions cause depression and anxiety to develop. Irritability and feelings of worthlessness, after all, are symptoms of depression.

You can read the full article on ADDitude.